On March, 21st, 2013, my husband and I got the devastating news that we had suffered a miscarriage and had lost our third baby.
Even with the passage of time, my heart still hurts.
I didn't know our baby's heart stopped beating when it did. It wasn't until our 16 week prenatal check up that we found out that the tiny life we loved so much was already gone. No warning, no signs, no symptoms. Just gone!
I believe I've built up hate in certain areas of my life out of guilt, ignorance and fear. I believe I've squashed emotions for so long that it has festered inside like a cancer. Letting it out in healthy ways through crying, talking, writing, and simply acknowledging that I'm overwhelmed helps. Every now and then I find myself crying. The girls see it, even though I try to hide it. My oldest gives me hugs and says, "It's okay, Mommy. Don't cry."
Every now and then Samantha brings things up like, "Remember that time we were at the doctor's and the baby in your belly was gone."
Yeah, not fun hearing, and certainly not fun explaining all that to a 4 year old.
Even with the passage of time, my heart still hurts.
I didn't know our baby's heart stopped beating when it did. It wasn't until our 16 week prenatal check up that we found out that the tiny life we loved so much was already gone. No warning, no signs, no symptoms. Just gone!
I believe I've built up hate in certain areas of my life out of guilt, ignorance and fear. I believe I've squashed emotions for so long that it has festered inside like a cancer. Letting it out in healthy ways through crying, talking, writing, and simply acknowledging that I'm overwhelmed helps. Every now and then I find myself crying. The girls see it, even though I try to hide it. My oldest gives me hugs and says, "It's okay, Mommy. Don't cry."
Every now and then Samantha brings things up like, "Remember that time we were at the doctor's and the baby in your belly was gone."
Yeah, not fun hearing, and certainly not fun explaining all that to a 4 year old.
This past year I've certainly had my moments of hate. I've also had my moments of love and acceptance. I hope that I am headed toward a place where the love will outweigh the hate.
My girls, My husband, My family, My friends - they have nothing but genuine love to give and that makes life SO much easier to cope with!
I must admit to something-- I didn't have much knowledge about miscarriages quite a few years ago. I don't know if it was just plain idiocy or just completely uneducated. It was about 6 years ago that I got a dose of what miscarriage really was by losing a niece/nephew at 12 weeks GA. I wasn't sure how to react or how to comfort someone dealing with such a tragedy. I figured they would just want their distance and they'd come to me if they wanted to talk and grieve. Most of the time, that's not the case!!!! They NEED people in their life to GO to them to talk, and give them comfort. So PLEASE, if you know of someone dealing with a loss, reach out and help as much as you can! You have NO idea how much your warmth and kindness will help in such a tragic situation!!
We miss our little angel!
We can only hope and pray that God is taking care of her/him, along with every other angel baby!
