Trying to move forward...

It has been over a month since we found out that our little peanut passed away.
It still feels like we still have so many unanswered questions. The hardest one being that we'll never know what happened.  We'll never know why this happened. We'll never know if the baby was a boy or a girl. It's hard not having that closure.
It has hit me pretty hard lately. I have quite a few friends that's due around the same time I was. They're all finding out the genders and posting belly pictures. Although I am incredibly happy for them, it's just hard to not be able to go through all of that with them.
I was so excited to have a itty bitty baby to hold again. I was really excited about nursing-I was going to try my hardest to nurse as long as baby would let me this time around. I was excited to see the girls with the baby-Samantha has been around a few babies recently and she's so sweet with them. I was excited for welcoming the baby into our amazing family. I was excited for all the smiles and laughter that comes with a brand new baby. I was excited for the cute little clothes. I was excited for labor and having that insanely beautiful moment when baby arrives. So many things I was so excited for and it all just got taken from me-like that!
I have been a little stressed out lately. Seth and I have recently talked about trying for another. He said he would like to have one more. And he'd like to start trying again soon. But he said it's completely up to me on what I wanted to do. I'm really not sure what I want to do. I hate that everything is getting put on me. I hate to think about seeing that disappointed look on Seth's face if I don't want to try again. He's such a wonderful Daddy that he deserves a million kids! I just wish I knew what to do. I'm hoping God will help us make the right decision.
As of right now, I'm trying to move forward and I'm just enjoying my time with my beautiful girls and my amazing husband! I was so sick for about 4 months that I wasn't really able to do much of anything with them all and I missed them so, so much!!!

Our Loss

March 21st, 2013 will be a day that I will never forget.
The girls and I went to my normal 16 week check up. I did the usual weight check and so on. My doctor came into the room and asked how I was feeling. Then she measured my tummy to make sure things are measuring okay, she mentioned that I measured just a little smaller then I should. But she wasn't worried about it. Then she went to listen for the baby's heartbeat. She ended up not being able to find it. I then knew something had to be wrong. She's always able to find the heartbeat right away. She spent a good 5-10 minutes searching for it on the doppler and still couldn't find it. She told me she wanted me to have an ultrasound.
We went to another room for the ultrasound. Then she said the words that will forever be implanted in my head, "Oh shoot...I'm not seeing a heartbeat. I'm so sorry!" I was in absolute shock! I asked all the questions, Why, What happened?? My doctor then told me we may never know what happened, but it's a possibility that my tear from earlier in the pregnancy could have been the cause, but she's not certain. She then told me that she wanted me to have another ultrasound to confirm it. And then she told me that I would have to have an D&C procedure. After the doctor left the room Samantha, bless her heart, says, "Mommy, is the baby gone?". I just lost it!!!
We went downstairs to the radiology place. We waited forever. With two cranky and hungry little girls and a sobbing mother, it was no fun. While we were waiting I decided to make the hardest phone call I have ever made to my husband. It was the hardest 15 minute conversation EVER!
Finally, I got called back to a room for the ultrasound. She confirmed that the baby had no heartbeat. Then she did some measuring and took photos for my doctor. I was told that my doctor would call me in a little while.
I received her phone call about 45 minutes later. She told me the baby measured about 14 weeks. She then proceeded to talk to me about the D&C and we set things up for Tuesday, the 26th.
I've done some research and have asked a few friends that had gone through it. Everyone says it's not too bad physically, but it's pretty tough mentally.
I think the whole hard part right now is waiting. Knowing that I have a dead baby inside me is pretty hard, and not knowing what happened is even harder. I'm still having pregnancy symptoms. I'm still very tired and I've been throwing up every morning. This makes it even tougher that I'm going through all of this for, hate to say it, nothing. I keep thinking to myself, is this something that I did? Is it because I didn't do this or because I did that? What if I did this instead? So many questions and so many unanswered.
Seth has been amazing! We actually sit down and talk about what happened and everything. I'm so glad he's so willing to talk. I know it's hard for the both of us, but I think it's something that we need to do. It helps quite a bit. He's my rock!
Our family and friends that know of what happened have been a true blessing. They've been so great and give us so much love and support. We couldn't get through any of this without them. We love you all so, so much!
I will have an update after my procedure next week.
Please keep us in your prayers!!

15 Weeks

How Far Along: Today I am 15 weeks along. Due date September 4th, 2013. 

Baby's Size/Other Info: Baby's the size of an orange! The average fetus at 15 weeks weighs 2.5 ounces and measures 4 inches -- and his proportions are becoming even more normal, since his legs now outmeasure his arms.

Baby at 15 weeks

• You probably can't feel it yet, but she's squirming a ton!
• She might even be hiccuping in there.
• She's making lots of progress: her joints and limbs can all move now.

Symptoms: I'm STILL having that yucky gaggy/nausea feeling all day long. I gag at least once a day. No fun! :(

Food Cravings: Meat!  

What I'm Excited About: Not feeling like poo all the time!  

Something I've done to Prepare for Baby: Nothing. 

Weight Gain: Pre-pregnancy weight: 120lbs  Today's weight: 118lbs 

Gender Prediction: GIRL! 

Maternity Clothes: Yes and no. I can still wear my "real" pants, but sometimes maternity pants are a bit more comfortable. 
NOTES: My next appointment is March 21st. 

13w3d belly

12 Weeks

How Far Along: Today I am 12 weeks 1 day along. Due date September 4th, 2013. 

Baby's Size/Other Info: Baby's the size of a plum!
The average fetus at 12 weeks is about 2.1 inches long and .49 ounces. Now that she's got pretty much all her parts, her main job is to keep on growing.

Baby at 12 weeks

• Most of her critical systems are fully formed!
• She's about to enter the growth and maturation stage, in which her organs and tissues will grow and develop rapidly.
• She's now developing her reflexes -- if you poke her body, she'll likely move.
• She's opening and closing her fingers and curling her toes, too.
• Her brain is developing fast!

Symptoms: I'm still having that yucky gaggy feeling all day long. It just does not want to go away! :( 

Food Cravings: McDonalds 

What I'm Excited About: To feel like myself again!! 

Something I've done to Prepare for Baby: Not much. I decided to purchase some Milkies-Milk Savers (http://www.mymilkies.com/milksaver). I've heard great things about these and can't wait to try them! 

Weight Gain: Pre-pregnancy weight: 120lbs  Today's weight: 118lbs 

Gender Prediction: GIRL! 

Maternity Clothes: Yes! And I did not miss wearing maternity pants! I loathe them! 
NOTES: I had my 12 week check up today(2-21-13). Everything went great. Baby's heartbeat was nice and strong at 168bpm. 

11 Weeks

How Far Along: Today I am 11 weeks along. Due date September 4th, 2013. 

Baby's Size/Other Info: Baby is the size of a lime! Around 11 weeks, you’ll probably notice some subtle changes, a dark, vertical line appearing down the center of your belly (known as the linea nigra). It’s probably tough to feel calm right now, since your hormones are still haywire and you may still be feeling pretty nauseated. But know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel -- just two more weeks left in trimester one! 

Baby at 11 weeks

• You can't see it, but she's moving fluidly and gracefully in there.
• Her skin is see-through, but she's on her way to looking more like a baby.
• Her fingers and toes aren't webbed anymore.
• Tooth buds, hair follicles and nail beds are forming.

Symptoms: Some nausea(the gaggy feeling), sleepy, sore back/neck, stress and depression(I haven't mentioned the depression much to anyone and I actually debated about mentioning it here. Basically because I didn't want people to judge me. I didn't want people to think that couldn't handle things or that I'm a horrible Mom/Wife/person and since I plan on talking to my doctor about it next week, I've been considering on trying some anti-depressants. Now, I certainly am NOT a fan of taking those drugs, especially while pregnant. But I can't keep doing this to my family and myself. I don't go anywhere, I don't play with the girls :(, I lay on the couch all day, down in the dumps feeling, just hard to smile and joke around. I really DO believe things have gotten better the past few days. I've been feeling good and have felt happier then I have in months!). 
I've also been able to eat really good at dinner the past few days, so that has been nice! I have been only able to have a few bites then be done eating, so its been a nice change! :) I've also been able to FINALLY take my prenatal vitamins without feeling yucky afterward, so that is a plus plus!  

Food Cravings: None really this week.

What I'm Excited About: 2nd trimester!!!!!! Couple more weeks! :) and doctor's appointment next week!

Something I've done to Prepare for Baby: Since I KNOW she's a girl, I bought a little sister onesie. :) 

Weight Gain: Pre-pregnancy weight: 120lbs  Today's weight: 117lbs Yay for not losing weight! :)

Gender Prediction: GIRL! 

Maternity Clothes: Not yet. 
NOTES: (You all may not care about this part..lol) Last week was a horrible week for me. I was (TMI) severely constipated on Wednesday. It got so bad that I actually called my doctor, which I VERY rarely do. Then of course the constipation turned into diarrhea for a few days after. I have never experienced that much pain in my life and I do not wish that upon anyone!

Throwback Thursday

These pictures are of my girls EXACTLY one year ago. Just sleeping away and gorgeous as ever! :)

10 Weeks

How Far Along: Today I am 10 weeks along. Due date September 4th, 2013. 

Baby's Size/Other Info: Baby is size of a Prune! As baby continues her rapid growth and my tummy starts to develop some extra curve. In the process, my ligaments and muscles are starting to stretch, so I shouldn’t be surprised if I start feeling some aches and pains. While, some moms-to-be don’t really get them, others find these sensations -- called “round ligament pain” -- well, downright painful. Breasts have probably gotten bigger too, since they’ve been prepping for breastfeeding for weeks already! That’s why week 10 is probably a good time to stock up on some new, looser clothes. 

Baby at 10 weeks

• Baby has working arm joints, and her cartilage and bones are forming.
• Her vital organs are fully developed and they're starting to function.
• Her fingernails and hair are starting to appear, too.
• Plus, she's swallowing and kicking in there. (Can you believe it?!)

Symptoms: Some nausea, sleepy and (TMI) HORRIBLE Constipation :/ 

Food Cravings: I'm back to chocolate covered strawberries. YUM!!

What I'm Excited About: Hearing baby's heartbeat in a couple of weeks! :) 

Something I've done to Prepare for Baby: Nothing this week. 

Weight Gain: Pre-pregnancy weight: 120lbs  Today's weight: 117lbs. Gained 1 pound since last week. 

Gender Prediction: GIRL! 

Maternity Clothes: Not yet.