March 21st, 2013 will be a day that I will never forget.
The girls and I went to my normal 16 week check up. I did the usual weight check and so on. My doctor came into the room and asked how I was feeling. Then she measured my tummy to make sure things are measuring okay, she mentioned that I measured just a little smaller then I should. But she wasn't worried about it. Then she went to listen for the baby's heartbeat. She ended up not being able to find it. I then knew something had to be wrong. She's always able to find the heartbeat right away. She spent a good 5-10 minutes searching for it on the doppler and still couldn't find it. She told me she wanted me to have an ultrasound.
We went to another room for the ultrasound. Then she said the words that will forever be implanted in my head, "Oh shoot...I'm not seeing a heartbeat. I'm so sorry!" I was in absolute shock! I asked all the questions, Why, What happened?? My doctor then told me we may never know what happened, but it's a possibility that my tear from earlier in the pregnancy could have been the cause, but she's not certain. She then told me that she wanted me to have another ultrasound to confirm it. And then she told me that I would have to have an D&C procedure. After the doctor left the room Samantha, bless her heart, says, "Mommy, is the baby gone?". I just lost it!!!
We went downstairs to the radiology place. We waited forever. With two cranky and hungry little girls and a sobbing mother, it was no fun. While we were waiting I decided to make the hardest phone call I have ever made to my husband. It was the hardest 15 minute conversation EVER!
Finally, I got called back to a room for the ultrasound. She confirmed that the baby had no heartbeat. Then she did some measuring and took photos for my doctor. I was told that my doctor would call me in a little while.
I received her phone call about 45 minutes later. She told me the baby measured about 14 weeks. She then proceeded to talk to me about the D&C and we set things up for Tuesday, the 26th.
I've done some research and have asked a few friends that had gone through it. Everyone says it's not too bad physically, but it's pretty tough mentally.
I think the whole hard part right now is waiting. Knowing that I have a dead baby inside me is pretty hard, and not knowing what happened is even harder. I'm still having pregnancy symptoms. I'm still very tired and I've been throwing up every morning. This makes it even tougher that I'm going through all of this for, hate to say it, nothing. I keep thinking to myself, is this something that I did? Is it because I didn't do this or because I did that? What if I did this instead? So many questions and so many unanswered.
Seth has been amazing! We actually sit down and talk about what happened and everything. I'm so glad he's so willing to talk. I know it's hard for the both of us, but I think it's something that we need to do. It helps quite a bit. He's my rock!
Our family and friends that know of what happened have been a true blessing. They've been so great and give us so much love and support. We couldn't get through any of this without them. We love you all so, so much!
I will have an update after my procedure next week.
Please keep us in your prayers!!
